Your situation sounds grave indeed and my heart goes out to you.
I've read the responses posted so far and echo all the advice
offered.
Although I'm not a licensed counsellor I volunteered for many years
as a Rape Crisis Intervention Counsellor and learned a lot about the
cycle of abuse through training and experience. Your daughter will
be led to believe, and will eventually believe wholeheartedly if she
doesn't already, that she is the root cause of the violence
demonstrated against her. A sad desperate fact that keeps most
victims in an abusive relationship despite caring friends/family
pleading for them to leave. That said, it's important now to try
keeping her self-esteem and confidence at an all time high.
Crisis Intervention Centers, Women's Shelters, CPS or the Domestic
Violence Unit of your local PD (if such a unit exits in your area)
may have some valuable advice as to what you can do at this point so
you may try calling them now. They may also know of support groups
that you can join to keep yourself emotionally strong. You will
hear some horrific stories that need to be told so you can
comprehend the urgency of staying involved. If you were to ask an
employee from my son's school who recently lost her daughter to
domestic violence I know she'd tell you to stay in touch. Ask
questions without pointing fingers. Show concern without appearing
demanding. Leave her with resources to turn to should she not feel
comfortable turning to you (e.g., information regarding Women's
Shelters if any in the area, crisis intervention phone numbers,
programming the local police # in to her cell phone... in our area
dialing 911 from a cell will get the highway patrol, our local
police department lists the emergency # to dial from a cell phone,
perhaps her area will too). Essentially it'll seem like your
sending the "You made your bed..." message but ultimately you'll
letting her know that you can't live her life for her but that you
do care and this what she needs to do "for herself" (have a suitcase
ready, a secret checking account, etc). If she does make the
decision to flee, and I hope she comes to that conclusion on her
own, then she may decide to hide from everyone for a while and will
need to know that she can pull that off.
Waiting it out is way easier said than done I know. I'm one of
those highly emotional people so, if wearing your shoes, I'd be
tempted to march right in to my daughter's home and drag her out by
the hair if necessary. Unfortunately that never works. Your
husband's idea of keeping the lines of communication open is right
on target. Perhaps extending invitations to take your daughter out
to lunch/dinner and/or just spending time with her and your
grandchild for a family outing (park, zoo, etc) may be helpful.
Victims sometimes feel more comfortable meeting in a public forum as
they know it lends itself to fewer shouting matches if that's what
the tendency has been in the past. Your husband can, and should,
meet with her by himself if you feel you're likely to take charge of
the matter (as I would be!). Also, if it's only your husband that
meets with her then his request to leave her husband at home may be
honored. Again, no demands. If her husband shows up then gulp your
dinner, talk about the weather and politely leave. Re-invite, ask
for him not to be there and eventually he won't be. As long as your
meetings are amicable and your daughter feels comfortable in your
presence she will eventually show up on her own (remember,
unfortunately, you're the "bad guys" now, not her husband!)
As mother's we want to help and heal. Sometimes a victim doesn't
feel comfortable turning to family so if this happens in your case
it's, sadly, just part of the cycle. Sometimes victims fear the "I
told you so" accusations or are simply too embarrassed to call.
Oftentimes, too, victims long for that deep remorse abusers show
after an incident (e.g., gifts, affection, etc) so seek
a "temporary" safe haven to give the abuser a chance to calm down.
Employees/volunteer
getting victims to think more logically about their situation as
they, aside from having been trained in crisis intervention, are
more emotionally removed from the situtation than a family member
would be.
Whatever you do, don't loose touch. Personally, I think getting her
out of the abusive relationship is way more important that putting
any effort in to discouraging her involvement in Quixtar. That
doesn't mean I support any MLM involvement, I'm just trying to think
of what's more critical at this stage.
Please keep us posted as I pray in earnest that the challenges you
face soon come to a peaceful conclusion.
--- In mlmsurvivorsclub@
<gardeningkelly@
>
> Hi- I wrote last in May, that my daughter was being brainwashed by
> her husband's family. Thanks for the support and the information
I
> received. I'm freightened to even write this, because I see I
could
> have hidden my e-mail name, but I'm so frantic at this point I
don't
> care. She has been married a little over a year and instantly
> became involved with Quixtar through his family, who live in Arden
> Hills, MN. They are under Mr. Smith who is under Burt Gulick. I
> have spent the past couple of months reading everything I can get
> ahold of and gathering my information and trying to be very
careful
> with what I say. In the meantime, her husband began physically
> abusing her. Another instance, the husband and his sister
kidnapped
> the baby (she was breastfeeding) and wouldn't tell her where the
> baby was for over 3 hours. After his, she came home and refused
to
> go back until he received anger management counselilng. He
> supposedly was going, until we discovered that he had lied about
> it. The got "marriage counseling" from their "upline". (Can you
> tell how frantic I am?) There have been 3 major instances of
> physical abuse, the last one was last weekend in Missouri at the
> Quixtar Family Reunion in (Osage Beach?) Missouri. They got into
a
> physical altercation and our daughter called us and asked us to
come
> and get her as she said she as afraid he was going to kill her.
We
> called his parents, and his mother, a long-time Amway sales
> prostitute from hell, proceeded to tell us why his violence was
all
> my daughter's fault for starting the argument in the first place,
> and they would be counseled by Mr. Smith. We got into a shouting
> match on the phone, and I insisted this time that if they thought
> they were going to have their upline "counsel" them again and
> anything happened to my duaghter, I was going to sue them, Mr.
> Smith, Mr. Gulick, all the way up to that motherfucker Yager,
excuse
> my language, with every cent and breath I had until my dying day.
> Well, suddenly my duaghter's visit was canceled, the son came to
> pick up the dog and wouldn't let me see my grandchild, and I got a
> phone message from my daughter that I could never see my
grandchild
> again or her future children because I "teach bad (negative)
things"
> and "yes, mom, family members who aren't in Quixtar get pushed
away
> by us because we grow and you don't". My husband is trying to
keep
> the lines of communication open to her. I fear for her life and
her
> safety and my grandchild's safety. I'm so damned sick of hearing
> those Amway quips "Quitters never win!" "Leaders are
> readers!" "Stay positive!". I'm still reading the online book,
I'm
> halfway through the Smoke and Mirrors book. I'm despirate, I feel
> like I'm a caged animal, I feel like I'm at the edge of a lake
> watching my child drown and someone is holding me back from
swimming
> out to save her. I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I'm feeling like
> this is a nightmare I'll never wake up from. Help.
>
Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required)
Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional
Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe
__,_._,___
No comments:
Post a Comment