Well said!
Hal
On Thursday 12 July 2007, cstargio wrote:
> Your situation sounds grave indeed and my heart goes out to you.
> I've read the responses posted so far and echo all the advice
> offered.
>
> Although I'm not a licensed counsellor I volunteered for many years
> as a Rape Crisis Intervention Counsellor and learned a lot about the
> cycle of abuse through training and experience. Your daughter will
> be led to believe, and will eventually believe wholeheartedly if she
> doesn't already, that she is the root cause of the violence
> demonstrated against her. A sad desperate fact that keeps most
> victims in an abusive relationship despite caring friends/family
> pleading for them to leave. That said, it's important now to try
> keeping her self-esteem and confidence at an all time high.
>
> Crisis Intervention Centers, Women's Shelters, CPS or the Domestic
> Violence Unit of your local PD (if such a unit exits in your area)
> may have some valuable advice as to what you can do at this point so
> you may try calling them now. They may also know of support groups
> that you can join to keep yourself emotionally strong. You will
> hear some horrific stories that need to be told so you can
> comprehend the urgency of staying involved. If you were to ask an
> employee from my son's school who recently lost her daughter to
> domestic violence I know she'd tell you to stay in touch. Ask
> questions without pointing fingers. Show concern without appearing
> demanding. Leave her with resources to turn to should she not feel
> comfortable turning to you (e.g., information regarding Women's
> Shelters if any in the area, crisis intervention phone numbers,
> programming the local police # in to her cell phone... in our area
> dialing 911 from a cell will get the highway patrol, our local
> police department lists the emergency # to dial from a cell phone,
> perhaps her area will too). Essentially it'll seem like your
> sending the "You made your bed..." message but ultimately you'll
> letting her know that you can't live her life for her but that you
> do care and this what she needs to do "for herself" (have a suitcase
> ready, a secret checking account, etc). If she does make the
> decision to flee, and I hope she comes to that conclusion on her
> own, then she may decide to hide from everyone for a while and will
> need to know that she can pull that off.
>
> Waiting it out is way easier said than done I know. I'm one of
> those highly emotional people so, if wearing your shoes, I'd be
> tempted to march right in to my daughter's home and drag her out by
> the hair if necessary. Unfortunately that never works. Your
> husband's idea of keeping the lines of communication open is right
> on target. Perhaps extending invitations to take your daughter out
> to lunch/dinner and/or just spending time with her and your
> grandchild for a family outing (park, zoo, etc) may be helpful.
> Victims sometimes feel more comfortable meeting in a public forum as
> they know it lends itself to fewer shouting matches if that's what
> the tendency has been in the past. Your husband can, and should,
> meet with her by himself if you feel you're likely to take charge of
> the matter (as I would be!). Also, if it's only your husband that
> meets with her then his request to leave her husband at home may be
> honored. Again, no demands. If her husband shows up then gulp your
> dinner, talk about the weather and politely leave. Re-invite, ask
> for him not to be there and eventually he won't be. As long as your
> meetings are amicable and your daughter feels comfortable in your
> presence she will eventually show up on her own (remember,
> unfortunately, you're the "bad guys" now, not her husband!)
>
> As mother's we want to help and heal. Sometimes a victim doesn't
> feel comfortable turning to family so if this happens in your case
> it's, sadly, just part of the cycle. Sometimes victims fear the "I
> told you so" accusations or are simply too embarrassed to call.
> Oftentimes, too, victims long for that deep remorse abusers show
> after an incident (e.g., gifts, affection, etc) so seek
> a "temporary" safe haven to give the abuser a chance to calm down.
> Employees/volunteer
> getting victims to think more logically about their situation as
> they, aside from having been trained in crisis intervention, are
> more emotionally removed from the situtation than a family member
> would be.
>
> Whatever you do, don't loose touch. Personally, I think getting her
> out of the abusive relationship is way more important that putting
> any effort in to discouraging her involvement in Quixtar. That
> doesn't mean I support any MLM involvement, I'm just trying to think
> of what's more critical at this stage.
>
> Please keep us posted as I pray in earnest that the challenges you
> face soon come to a peaceful conclusion.
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