First, I'm very sorry you're in this situation. I got extremely angry
reading your letter. I used to teach in treatment centers and saw so
much of this that it makes me sick. You've already gotten excellent
advice from hit_margin and narcissedespres. Do keep that journal and
keep records of everything going on.
It's hindsight now, but if (and I hope it's a when, not an if) you get a
call asking to come get her, do NOT call the scumbags at all. Just go,
pick her and the kid (and dog, if possible) up and secure her safety.
Then talk to CPS (Child Protective Services) about the situation to get
help with counseling. It's amazing that she's called you. In the
environment she's in, most victims just keep taking the abuse and
blaming themselves.
Do NOT talk with her husband, his family, or their upline AT ALL. If
you have to talk with them in any social situations, be very polite.
These people are mentally and emotionally weak, which is why he needs
to beat up others. They do not have the strength to see anything they
do as wrong and have to believe they are always right. They think they
are good and your daughter has problems. I know that is frustrating,
but it is true and it's important to remember that. There is nothing
you can say or do that will help them see the truth. They don't want
to see it because that would force them to admit what monsters they
are.
Any of us would be burning with rage in your position and it would be
hard to not tell them what bastards they are. That's why it's
important to avoid them and not talk to them. All you can do is the
hardest job you'll ever do in your life: wait it out. Wait for her to
call. When she does and she needs help, be ready to leave and pick her
and the kid up immediately. She needs to get out of the house where he
can't control her. After a beating, many times the abuser sees they've
lost control and will switch to a super-nice mode and beg and plead and
promise they will never do it again. They may give their spouse
flowers and act like they are sorry. This is part of the abuse cycle.
That's why, when she calls, you want to get her out of there. If she
has trouble calling and you do communicate, get her a cell phone she
can hide and use to call you. Pay the bill and keep it up to date so
she has that hidden and can get help from you without him knowing it.
In a part time job I've had for a number of years I deal with a lot of
women in abusive relationships. They're scared to leave and the bully
has taken away their self confidence. I tell them I know how they
feel, but what I'll tell you that I don't tell them is that abuse goes
both ways and isn't always physical. I know what it's like to be in a
relationship with someone who can't see anything they do as wrong and
blames you for everything. I wasn't beaten or hit, but I was
emotionally battered and it took me years after she left for me to gain
any self confidence. I should have asked her to leave (we lived in
property owned by my family), but I had gotten to the point I didn't
think I could live on my own.
That is where your daughter is. She doesn't think she can make it on
her own and he wants it that way.
One other important point I tell women in that situation: our children
learn what love is like by how Mommy and Daddy treat each other. When
it's appropriate, and ONLY when you feel it will sink in (and
preferably when it will feel like a slap in the face to her), point out
that by staying with her husband, your daughter is teaching her
daughter that in a loving relationship Daddy beats up Mommy. She is
teaching her daughter to find a man who beats her.
Two more quick points on this: "Violence is the last refuge of the
incompetent.
first man to run out of ideas." (Nicholas Meyer in his script "Time
After Time.") This man is a coward and bully. If he had true inner
strength, he would not be doing this. That's also a reminder he does
not have the true strength to face what he's doing or to seek
counseling because he'd have to face himself and his own weaknesses.
I'm not at all saying you taught that. She got sucked in somehow. But
make sure she gets the message that is what she's teaching her
daughter. She may not get out for herself, but more women will get out
for their daughter than for themselves. Don't tell her that (about
what she's teaching her daughter) as an attempt to convince her. That
won't work. Drive it home when she is ready to hear it. It's a tough
point, but that is one thing that could keep her from going back.
I hope she calls again and you can get her out of there. Find out how
to reach all the women's shelters around her area and be ready, if she
calls, to get someone from one of them to meet her or pick her up ASAP.
They'll probably want to talk to her first to be sure she wants to get
out, which is another good reason for her to have a secret cell phone
hubby doesn't know about.
As we Quakers say, I will hold you in the Light.
Hal
On Wednesday 11 July 2007, gardeningkelly wrote:
> Hi- I wrote last in May, that my daughter was being brainwashed by
> her husband's family. Thanks for the support and the information I
> received. I'm freightened to even write this, because I see I could
> have hidden my e-mail name, but I'm so frantic at this point I don't
> care. She has been married a little over a year and instantly
> became involved with Quixtar through his family, who live in Arden
> Hills, MN. They are under Mr. Smith who is under Burt Gulick. I
> have spent the past couple of months reading everything I can get
> ahold of and gathering my information and trying to be very careful
> with what I say. In the meantime, her husband began physically
> abusing her. Another instance, the husband and his sister kidnapped
> the baby (she was breastfeeding) and wouldn't tell her where the
> baby was for over 3 hours. After his, she came home and refused to
> go back until he received anger management counselilng. He
> supposedly was going, until we discovered that he had lied about
> it. The got "marriage counseling" from their "upline". (Can you
> tell how frantic I am?) There have been 3 major instances of
> physical abuse, the last one was last weekend in Missouri at the
> Quixtar Family Reunion in (Osage Beach?) Missouri. They got into a
> physical altercation and our daughter called us and asked us to come
> and get her as she said she as afraid he was going to kill her. We
> called his parents, and his mother, a long-time Amway sales
> prostitute from hell, proceeded to tell us why his violence was all
> my daughter's fault for starting the argument in the first place,
> and they would be counseled by Mr. Smith. We got into a shouting
> match on the phone, and I insisted this time that if they thought
> they were going to have their upline "counsel" them again and
> anything happened to my duaghter, I was going to sue them, Mr.
> Smith, Mr. Gulick, all the way up to that motherfucker Yager, excuse
> my language, with every cent and breath I had until my dying day.
> Well, suddenly my duaghter's visit was canceled, the son came to
> pick up the dog and wouldn't let me see my grandchild, and I got a
> phone message from my daughter that I could never see my grandchild
> again or her future children because I "teach bad (negative) things"
> and "yes, mom, family members who aren't in Quixtar get pushed away
> by us because we grow and you don't". My husband is trying to keep
> the lines of communication open to her. I fear for her life and her
> safety and my grandchild's safety. I'm so damned sick of hearing
> those Amway quips "Quitters never win!" "Leaders are
> readers!" "Stay positive!". I'm still reading the online book, I'm
> halfway through the Smoke and Mirrors book. I'm despirate, I feel
> like I'm a caged animal, I feel like I'm at the edge of a lake
> watching my child drown and someone is holding me back from swimming
> out to save her. I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I'm feeling like
> this is a nightmare I'll never wake up from. Help.
Change settings via the Web (Yahoo! ID required)
Change settings via email: Switch delivery to Daily Digest | Switch format to Traditional
Visit Your Group | Yahoo! Groups Terms of Use | Unsubscribe
__,_._,___
No comments:
Post a Comment