On Monday 17 September 2007, Vicki wrote:
> You said it before "First, I didn't leave him. I planned it and when
> I finally told him my plan he begged me to stay." He has already
> HAD his warnings. How many times are you going to pound your head
> against that brick wall and realize that it will give you a headache
> every time? You can't make someone change for you. They won't.
> You've already tried. And you have bailed him out of his messes
> every time because you "don't want him to be wrecked". So, since
> you continue to pick him up, he will continue to do what he has
> always done.
Exactly! He won't quit until he has to. He's been bailed out over and
over and still hasn't gotten it. He will have to wreck before he gets
it.
If, NeShell, you keep him from being wrecked, he will not face the
natural consequences of his actions and will not see how bad it is and
he will keep going.
Do not use what we've said as an excuse for not drawing the line and for
not sticking up for yourself. If you do, then you're sending a clear
message to him, "I want you to stop, I'll keep telling you to stop, but
I don't have the courage to make you stop, so you can keep going."
> I will try to briefly give you another one of my stories. Again,
> it's not directly MLM, but it IS a story of a bad relationship and
> knowing when to get out. I almost didn't get out. My first fiance
> was a control freak. But it didn't come out until I was engaged to
> him and in love with him. I had to do what he said, think what he
> thought, or pay the consequences. He shot my self esteem down to
> the point where I was afraid to do anything else. Then he turned
> violent. The first time he nearly broke my arm, he apologized,
> promised he'd seek help and it would never happen again. A few good
> weeks went by, then it happened again. I was trying to leave. He
> begged me to stay. If only I would stay, he'd change, because he
> loved me and couldn't live without me. A few good weeks went by,
> then he kicked me in the stomach. He apologized, promised that it
> was REALLY the last time. He would change.... it happened over and
> over for 5 years. He kept telling me it was MY fault. He told me I
> was lucky to have him. No one else would ever want me. I
> was "damaged goods". So finally one night, he came home and was mad
> that I didn't leap out of my chair to greet him. I was playing a
> game on the computer. So he ripped the computer out of the wall,
> threw it acroos the room. Grabbed me by the neck and dragged me
> across the room.
This is typical of abusive relationships. The abuser gets bad, promises
to change, talks about a lot of high goals and what they want, but
keeps falling back into their abusive patterns. People stay in those
relationships because they don't have the strength to leave and because
they believe the promises, even when they've been made 20 times and
been false each time.
> I needed help. For some reason, I couldn't get
> out alone. I called my mom in the middle of the night to come and
> help me leave. He ripped the phone out of the wall... Luckily, my
> mom came. I left with a bruised neck, and NEVER went back. He
> begged and begged me not to throw away 5 years. I reminded him that
> HE threw it away, not me. He promised this time to get help, but
> only if I come back. I told him he better get help for HIMSELF, so
> that it doesn't happen in his next relationship. I held strong...
> finally. And I learned that I was not the unwanted person he told
> me I was. I could make friends. I was smart. And that good
> relationships are a true partnership with respect, trust,
> communication, compromise and being responsible for each other as
> well as ourselves. And you know what... I am now married to a man
> who ALWAYS talks to me before making a major purchase, or putting in
> for a job change. He never talks down to me, never hits me, never
> calls me names.
Exactly! The abuser wants to make their partner feel worthless because
they don't want their partner to see what's really going on.
> You may not be in a violent situation, but the similarities are
> there. His form of abuse is with your finances. He is completely
> disregarding your well-being and that of your child. He is driven
> by his selfish impulses. And the misguided sense that he is better
> than what he really is. He is NOT going to magically flip a switch
> and turn into the person you WANT him to be. You should KNOW that
> by now. He is holding your future hostage.
Please, NeShell, read this over and over. All of it. She speaks a
truth I am not sure if you are ready to hear, but I hope you are.
> Believe me when I tell you that no matter how afraid you are of
> change, (Because it's the change that you are REALLY afraid of...
> not the actual loss of this deadbeat), when you finally get to the
> other side of this... and he is out of your life (as much as
> possible considering you share a child) you will be much happier,
> your bills will be paid and you won't be living with your mother.
>
> And if you don't believe me, again, go seek couseling. They will
> most likely tell you the same thing. You are trying too hard to
> hold on to something that is broken beyond repair. You probably
> know that deep down inside, but are too afraid of the unknown to
> follow through. I know for me, I knew it long before I would admit
> it to myself. I was just too afraid of starting over again. And I
> was too afraid to admit that "I" failed in a relationship.
>
> I've been there twice. Once with a physical abuser and once with a
> drug/alcohol abuser. I know the inner struggle between wanting the
> other person to wake up and see the light, and walking away. I've
> lost many nights of sleep trying to figure out WHEN to cut my
> losses. I spent many nights crying over the fact that they could
> see what they were doing to me and the relationship. I ran
> scenarios in my head of what I could do to make them realize the
> error of their ways. None of them would work.
>
> I can't promise you that it will be easy, but I can promise you that
> once you make it through to the other side... and you will make it
> through... it will be better. And I suspect that since you got
> together so young that you really have no idea how a healthy adult
> relationship should be. I can promise you that the relationship you
> are in is not a healthy one. This has been going on far too long.
>
> Good luck. Be strong. And stop letting him manipulate you!
NeShell, read this post 20 times over. She knows what she's saying. If
you listen to her, and keep your focus and stick up for yourself, your
life will get better. Otherwise, things will continue to be as bad as
they are and will get worse -- and somewhere, down inside, you will
always know you could have stood up for yourself and did not.
I've mentioned your daughter several times. How would you feel if she
were living with you and married to a man who behaved like this? Do
you want her to find a man like this and get in this kind of
relationship? Kids learn by watching their parents. You are teaching
her this is normal and what she should look for. Even if you say, ten
thousand times, not to, subconsciously she will learn about this and
she will look for men who will do this to her. The longer you "stick
it out" the more she will learn that this kind of relationship is love
and the more inclined she will be to find a relationship just like this
one and marry a man who will not pull his own weight and treat her with
respect.
You have your self respect on the line and your daughter's future.
Think about that.
Hal
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