Vicki
You have said what needs to be said so very eloquently.
Eva - FWIW - do not make this "he has to choose, it's Primerica or it's me".
You decide - pick YOU, Drop Primerica - forever. Your boyfriend has made his decision time and again and you have lost out every time.
We all deserve better than this. No-one should put up with the crap that you have put up with. Vicki has said it so very well.
Mick
Vicki <v_eller@yahoo.
I finally told him my plan he begged me to stay." He has already
HAD his warnings. How many times are you going to pound your head
against that brick wall and realize that it will give you a headache
every time? You can't make someone change for you. They won't.
You've already tried. And you have bailed him out of his messes
every time because you "don't want him to be wrecked". So, since
you continue to pick him up, he will continue to do what he has
always done.
I will try to briefly give you another one of my stories. Again,
it's not directly MLM, but it IS a story of a bad relationship and
knowing when to get out. I almost didn't get out. My first fiance
was a control freak. But it didn't come out until I was engaged to
him and in love with him. I had to do what he said, think what he
thought, or pay the consequences. He shot my self esteem down to
the point where I was afraid to do anything else. Then he turned
violent. The first time he nearly broke my arm, he apologized,
promised he'd seek help and it would never happen again. A few good
weeks went by, then it happened again. I was trying to leave. He
begged me to stay. If only I would stay, he'd change, because he
loved me and couldn't live without me. A few good weeks went by,
then he kicked me in the stomach. He apologized, promised that it
was REALLY the last time. He would change.... it happened over and
over for 5 years. He kept telling me it was MY fault. He told me I
was lucky to have him. No one else would ever want me. I
was "damaged goods". So finally one night, he came home and was mad
that I didn't leap out of my chair to greet him. I was playing a
game on the computer. So he ripped the computer out of the wall,
threw it acroos the room. Grabbed me by the neck and dragged me
across the room. I needed help. For some reason, I couldn't get
out alone. I called my mom in the middle of the night to come and
help me leave. He ripped the phone out of the wall... Luckily, my
mom came. I left with a bruised neck, and NEVER went back. He
begged and begged me not to throw away 5 years. I reminded him that
HE threw it away, not me. He promised this time to get help, but
only if I come back. I told him he better get help for HIMSELF, so
that it doesn't happen in his next relationship. I held strong...
finally. And I learned that I was not the unwanted person he told
me I was. I could make friends. I was smart. And that good
relationships are a true partnership with respect, trust,
communication, compromise and being responsible for each other as
well as ourselves. And you know what... I am now married to a man
who ALWAYS talks to me before making a major purchase, or putting in
for a job change. He never talks down to me, never hits me, never
calls me names.
You may not be in a violent situation, but the similarities are
there. His form of abuse is with your finances. He is completely
disregarding your well-being and that of your child. He is driven
by his selfish impulses. And the misguided sense that he is better
than what he really is. He is NOT going to magically flip a switch
and turn into the person you WANT him to be. You should KNOW that
by now. He is holding your future hostage.
Believe me when I tell you that no matter how afraid you are of
change, (Because it's the change that you are REALLY afraid of...
not the actual loss of this deadbeat), when you finally get to the
other side of this... and he is out of your life (as much as
possible considering you share a child) you will be much happier,
your bills will be paid and you won't be living with your mother.
And if you don't believe me, again, go seek couseling. They will
most likely tell you the same thing. You are trying too hard to
hold on to something that is broken beyond repair. You probably
know that deep down inside, but are too afraid of the unknown to
follow through. I know for me, I knew it long before I would admit
it to myself. I was just too afraid of starting over again. And I
was too afraid to admit that "I" failed in a relationship.
I've been there twice. Once with a physical abuser and once with a
drug/alcohol abuser. I know the inner struggle between wanting the
other person to wake up and see the light, and walking away. I've
lost many nights of sleep trying to figure out WHEN to cut my
losses. I spent many nights crying over the fact that they could
see what they were doing to me and the relationship. I ran
scenarios in my head of what I could do to make them realize the
error of their ways. None of them would work.
I can't promise you that it will be easy, but I can promise you that
once you make it through to the other side... and you will make it
through... it will be better. And I suspect that since you got
together so young that you really have no idea how a healthy adult
relationship should be. I can promise you that the relationship you
are in is not a healthy one. This has been going on far too long.
Good luck. Be strong. And stop letting him manipulate you!
--- In mlmsurvivorsclub@
<trekkiebear@
>
> I've decided that I need a better plan than just, you have so long
to
> make X amount of dollars by January or he has to quit.
>
> It's amazing how just telling your story and getting support in
return
> can be such a relief. It's also put a measure of starch of in my
> spine. I just don't feel like the same person who typed it all
out. I
> feel like I can do this, I can even leave him if I have to, I just
> need a better plan to see this through.
>
> Hal and one other person in my life have told me that I need to
give
> Arnold some kind of warning. A couple of others seem to feel that a
> sudden jerk may be what he needs. But lately I've come to feel it
> could leave him feeling abandoned, depressed and hopeless.
>
> I don't want him to be wrecked. I just want him to see sense and
for
> us to get our lives back on track. Not the old track, but a new
track
> where we can live together and pay our bills.
>
> So I need a plan. I'm kind of making this up as I go along so any
> suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
>
> I figure I need a way to tell him all this where we can't be
> interrupted and where he can't run away so easily or get
distracted by
> home things.
>
> I'm thinking a hotel. That I take him to a hotel for a weekend and
I
> just finally lay it all on the line and tell him what I think and
how
> I feel and what the consequences are if he can't get himself out.
>
> If I ask him to meet me there due to our schedules, we'll have both
> cars so neither one of us will be stranded if the other gets mad
> enough to leave. I'm thinking two nights at an AmeriSuites or
> something. Someplace where we'll have two separate spaces to sleep
or
> just take a break if things get heated.
>
> I wonder if they have a room far away from the other guests?
>
> OK, so once I get him there, what do I say? Do I lay everything on
the
> line with an ultimatum? Do I give him a certain amount of time to
> "detox"? Should I have some books on brainwashing on hand? He loves
> reading all those self help kinds of books that set my teeth on
edge -
> Think and Grow Rich, Rich Dad Poor Dad, How to Win Friends and
Drive
> Your Wife Nuts By joining an MLM. I wonder if he'll try reading a
new
> type of book.
>
> Maybe I should just give him my posts from here.
>
> But once it's all out in the open, how do we go home with it all
> hanging over our heads? If we can't reach a common resolution how
do
> we live together, knowing that it will end?
>
> Should I even give him a warning? Should I just plan it all myself
and
> have a place for him to go should the inevitable happen? Find a
place
> for him, give him the keys, tell him he's on his own and walk
away. Or
> do I let him do that himself? If I wait for him to do it, we might
end
> up right back where we started.
>
> I know I'm planning just a way to tell him what I think but why
does
> it feel like I'm planning the end of our relationship altogether?
>
> I guess because part of me feels that he may just choose Primerica
> over me and then it will be over. That's a sad and scary thought
and I
> guess I have to prepare myself for the possibility but damn.
>
> Just damn.
>
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